


HarYEET

by jessicagoddamnjones



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves is Alive, F/F, F/M, Gen, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, M/M, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Slow To Update, Social Media, Tags Are Hard, group chat au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-15 07:46:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicagoddamnjones/pseuds/jessicagoddamnjones
Summary: A look inside the Hargreeves’ family group chat.





	1. triple chocolate ice cream

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saiansha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saiansha/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welcome to my shithole

_**Klaus Hargreeves**  made a group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** _ _added **Sir Reginald Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** added **Luther Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** added **Diego Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** added **Allison Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** added **Five Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargeeves**  added **Ben Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** added **Vanya Hargreeves** to the group chat!_

_**Klaus Hargreeves** named the group: **the harYEET group chat**_

**Klaus Hargreeves:** first things first

_**Klaus Hargreeves** changed their name to **dj klaus**_

**Allison Hargreeves:** what are you doing?

 **Ben Hargreeves:** don’t do this to us I’m literally begging you

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** Why do you think this is a good idea?

 **dj klaus:** I’ve gstheted you all here today for a very good reason 

 **Ben Hargreeves:** I promise you that there’s no reason good enough to do this

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** I second that 

 **Allison Hargreeves:** what do you want klaus?

 **Luther Hargreeves:** What is this?

 **Diego Hargreeves:** I think this is the most activity my phone has ever had in the last six months what the fuck is up

 **dj klaus:** I’m here to tell y’all that somebody ate my motherfucking triple chocolate delight ice cream that I had in the freezer 

 **dj klaus:** consider this your first and last warning 

 **dj klaus:** When I find who did it AND I WILL FIND YOU BITCH I will summon an army of ghosts to eat your ass

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** I think I saw Ben eating some the other day

 **Ben Hargreeves:** first of all-snitches get stitches. Second of all, I saw Diego going to town on it soooooo

 **Allison Hargreeves:** K me and Five are lactose intolerant why am we here?

 **Vanya Hargreeves:**  we all saw you two splitting a cheesecake last Thursday neither of you give a shit about diarrhea

 **dj klaus:** WHO ATE MY ICE CREAM, DIEGO OR BEN??

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** Ben

 **Ben Hargreeves:** Diego

 **Allison Hargreeves:** Ben

 **Ben Hargreeves:** bitch

 **Luther Hargreeves:** I think I saw Vanya eating some?

 **dj klaus:** did all y’all motherfuckers eat my ice cream istg I’ll change the locks

 **Five Hargreeves:** everybody had some you hid it behind the broccoli and you’re the only one here who doesn’t eat it

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** false. I would never be caught dead eating the devils lettuce. 

 **Allison Hargreeves:** the devils lettuce is weed

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** lmao no it isn’t? Weed isn’t even a vegetable 

 **Five Hargreeves:** Everybody except for Vanya and Dad had some

 **dj klaus:** are you fucking with me

 **Five Hargreeves:** No 

 **dj klaus:** well who ate the last of it??

 **Luther Hargreeves:** Me, but I only had some after I saw Allison eat it

 **Allison Hargreeves:** I had it after I caught Five eating it. Actually we ate it together when I walked in on him. 

 **Five Hargreeves:** i ate it after I saw Diego having some

 **Diego Hargreeves:** wow way to throw me under the bus

 **Diego Hargreeves:** I saw Ben eating it and thought it was for everyone

 **Ben Hargreeves:** lol I knew it was yours I just wanted to be a bitch

 **dj klaus:** blocked

 **dj klaus:** all of you are blocked

 **dj klaus:** none of you are valid 

 **dj klaus:** Vanya is the only one here I can trust

 **dj klaus:** it’s me and you against the world bby grl

 **dj klaus:** now if you’ll excuse me I have a meeting with a man about a horse

 **Vanya Hargreeves:** see the nice thing about being klaus’s sister is that I honestly can’t tell if he needs to shit, if that’s just a lazy excuse to start planning his revenge, or if he’s actually trying to buy a horse

 **Ben Hargreeves:** oh my god he’s going to kill me

 **Ben Hargreeves:** I have to go

 **Luther Hargreeves:** how do I leave this group chat?

 **Diego Hargreeves:** jfc I hate this family

 **Five Hargreeves:** well this has been fun, but I have something better to do. Which is literally anything but this. 

 **Allison Hargreeves:** ohhh look what I can do

Allison Hargreeves changed their name to alyyy

 **alyyy:**  you nerds can’t even have a cool name like me

 **Ben Hargreeves:** oh dope

_**Ben Hargreeves** changed their name to **it’s not hentai**_

_**Diego Hargreeves** changed their name to **knife wife**_

_**Vanya Hargreeves** changed their name to **first chair**_

**Luther Hargreeves:** how do you do that?

_**Five Hargreeves** changed their name to **the smartest one**_

**Luther Hargreeves:** How can I change my name?

 **alyyy:** google it

 **it’s not hentai:** google it

 **the smartest one :** google it

 **knife wife:** google it

 **first chair:** google it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah I’m only gonna be updating when I’m bored, have a request, or have nothing better to do


	2. daddy dearest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone requested for me to write Reggie finding out about he group chat

**first chair:** there’s a fire in the kitchen

 **it’s not hentai:** good for her

 **first chair:** who started the fire

 **alyyy:** twasnt me

 **Luther Hargreeves:** I haven’t been home all day. 

 **knife wife:** ten bucks says it was klaus

 **the smartest one:** isn’t that a bit presumptuous? Everyone here is capable of starting a fire

 **first chair:** it’s the fridge

 **alyyy:** ??

 **it’s not hentai:** do u mean,,,, the fridge is on fire?

 **knife wife:** wtf

 **first chair:** yee

 **Luther Hargreeves:** is it still burning?

 **first chair:** yee

 **dj klaus:** lol you should probably put it out

 **knife wife:** go put out your fire klaus

 **dj klaus:** rood. I didn’t do it 

 **it’s not hentai:** can confirm, klaus has been bothering me all day 

 **alyyy:** WHO IS GOING TO PUT THE FIRE OUT??

 **knife wife:** not it

 **dj klaus:** not it

 **it’s not hentai:** not it

 **first chair:** all of you stfu I’ll do it

 **first chair:** hang on I gotta go find the fire extinguisher

 **Luther Hargreeves:** thanks Vanya 

 **the smartest one:** so who did start the fire?

 **knife wife:** ryan 

 **dj klaus:** every time you quote the office a stripper falls off the stage

 **knife wife:** fuck you

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** What’s this?

 **dj klaus:** dont you mean owo what’s this?

 **it’s not hentai:** what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

 **alyyy:** dad? How did you get here

 **the smartest one:** klaus added him here when he first made the chat 

 **Luther Hargreeves:** it’s a family group chat dad

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** Why am I in here?

 **knife wife:** bc you’re a part of this family

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** I don’t recognize these names. Who’s the smartest one?

 **the smartest one:** it’s Five

 **dj klaus:** ohhhh boy

 **knife wife:** anyone else see where this is going?

 **it’s not hentai:** shit shit shit fuckd fuck

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** What is hentai? Who has that name?

 **alyyy:** I suddenly have something else to do that isn’t here

 **Luther Hargreeves:** I have no idea, but it’s Ben. 

 **it’s not hentai:** snitches get stiches

 **dj klaus:** this is what you get for eating my ice cream

 **the smartest one:** this is the best day of my life

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** Someone answer me. Number Six?

_**it’s not hentai** changed their name to **child of god amen**_

**child of god amen:** I don’t mnow what you’re talking about 

 **first chair:** ok I put the fire out but now all our milk is gone

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** Is this what you’re all doing instead of working? How can you ever expect to be superheroes without training?

 **first chair:** oh would you look at that I’m late for staring into the mirror and disassociating bye bye

 **the smartest one:** hentai means Japanese tentacle porn 

 **alyyy:** oh boy

 **Luther Hargreeves:** oh boy

 **knife wife:** oh boy

 **dj klaus:** oh boy 

 **first chair:** oh boy 

 **child of god amen:** oh boy

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** Number One, come show me how to get out of this group chat. 

 **dj klaus:** he doesn’t know how, daddio 

 **Sir Reginald Hargreeves:** Somebody send Grace up here. And Number Six, you come up as well.

 **child of god amen:** Five I’m going to shove a bottle of hot sauce up your ass

 **the smartest one:** that’s not very holy of you

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost choked to death on a bread roll writing this


	3. heteronormative bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Got a request to explore lesbian Vanya tag here you go

**child of god amen:** k so how long do I have to keep my name like this

 **alyyy:** Why? Are you not, in fact, a child of god?

 **child of god amen:** fuck u

 **dj klaus:** worry not brother dearest, it’s just until Diego can get dad’s phone so he can remove him from the gc

 **Luther Hargreeves:** can somebody show me how to change my name now?

 **the smartest one:** ehhhhhhh no

 **dj klaus:** new phone who dis

 **alyyy:** I made Claire do it for me :/

 **Luther Hargreeves:** vanya, can you do it?

 **the smartest one:** Vanya isn’t home

 **dj klaus:** wym she isn’t home Vanya never leaves the house voluntarily 

 **alyyy:** she’s gone all the time you just don’t notice bc Ben doesn’t share his single brain cell w you anymore 

 **child of god amen:** excuse u I have three (3) whole braincells lil miss “I wanna fuck my brother”

 **alyyy:** IT WAS ONE TIME FUCK YOU

 **Luther Hargreeves:** we aren’t even technically related

_**Sir Reginald Hargreeves** left the group chat!_

**knife wife:** yeah every time you have to say “we TECHNICALLY aren’t related” that’s........ not great 

 **dj klaus:** is it done??

 **knife wife:** obviously 

 **Luther Hargreeves:** Where’s vanya?

 **first chair:** on a date so stop blowing up my phone before I block you

 **dj klaus:** omg she’s gonna get laid

 **alyyy:** why am I just now finding out about this????

 **the smartest one:** hasn’t anyone told you it’s rude to text on a date

 **alyyy:** no seriously WHY AM I JUST NOW FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS

 **first chair:** first of all five I’m in the bathroom. I excused myself because my dumbass siblings kept on texting and it was making my phone go crazy

 **first chair:** second of all I only told like 2 people bc I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it

 **knife wife:** Why was I not one of these 2 people?

 **alyyy:** ^

 **child of god amen:** haha nerds she told me

 **child of god amen:** guess I’m her favorite sibling now

 **dj klaus:** What lovely gentleman managed to catch the eye of our precious number 7?

 **Luther Hargreeves:** What’s his name Vanya?

 **child of god amen:** oh boy

 **the smartest one:** whose turn is it on the brain cell

 **alyyy:** come on just tell us really quick then go back before he thinks you dipped 

 **knife wife:** What’s his name I wanna look him up

 **first chair:** if I tell you will you leave me alone?

 **dj klaus:** probably not

 **Luther Hargreeves:** Yes. 

 **alyyy:** yea!!

 **knife wife:** meh

 **child of god amen:** you don’t have to tell us

 **dj klaus:** yes you do

 **dj klaus:** What’s his name 

 **first chair:** Sophia

 **knife wife:** his name is Sophia for real?

 **alyyy:** oh

 **Luther Hargreeves:** oh

 **dj klaus:** oh

 **knife wife:** ohhhh

 **the smartest one:** I can hear the gears in their brain working

 **dj klaus:** !!!!! I was doing some heteronormative bullshit!!!!!

 **first chair:** I gotta go now, she’s wondering if I’m ok

 **first chair:** text y’all later

 **child of god amen:** tell her I say hello!

 **knife wife:** sooooo

 **Luther Hargreeves:** how long has this been going on, does anyone know?

 **dj klaus:** I must say, I’m very pleased to know that I’m not the only gay one in this dumbass family

 **the smartest one:** it must have been exhausting being both the gayest and the dumbest of us all

 **alyyy:** I feel bad now :(

 **knife wife:** Why? You didn’t do anything

 **knife wife:** at least she told us

 **Luther Hargreeves:** Yeah, doesn’t it show that she trusts us?

 **the smartest one:** or that we just annoyed her out of the closest

 **alyyy:** my legacy

 **dj klaus:** Why doesn’t five seem surprised? Did she tell you too?

 **the smartest one:** no I just have eyes and I use them

 **child of god amen:** oh fuck I forgot I can change my name now :)))

_**child of god amen** changed their name to **tentacle porn**_

**alyyy:** I thought it wasn’t hentai 

 **tentacle porn:** two different things

 **first chair:** if you don’t stop spamming the chat I’m going to kick your asses

 **Luther Hargreeves:** sorry Vanya 

 **dj klaus:** tell Sophia I say hello ;))))

 **first chair:** you’re my least favorite sibling

 **dj klaus:** so help me god I will write your name and number on every urinal in every shady bar bathroom in the country if you don’t take it back

 **first chair:** ;))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send in requests yeet  
> thanks for reading yoot   
> leave a comment yeet  
> tell me what you think yoot


	4. welcome to the family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring the Dave/Klaus tag bc someone told me to and I’m a bottom

**the smartest one:** i have an announcement to make

 **alyyy:** since when do you willingly start a conversation 

 **tentacle porn:** my god he’s dying

 **Luther Hargreeves:** What is it?

 **dj klaus:** i’d say I’m sorry in advance but I’m not

 **knife wife:** What’s the accouncemnt?

 **alyyy:** you spelled that wrong 

 **knife wife:** fuck you

 **knife wife:** spelled that right didn’t i

 **the smartest one:** the announcement is that klaus is in a relationship

 **Luther Hargreeves:** I thought Klaus didn’t do relationships?

 **first chair:** fake news

 **alyyy:** klaus is it true

 **dj klaus:** define ”””true”””

 **the smartest one:** it’s true 

 **the smartest one:** I saw it

 **the smartest one:** with my own fucking eyes 

 **first chair:** oh no

 **knife wife:** does that mean what I think it means?

 **alyyy:** Five did you

 **alyyy:** did you walk in on klaus

 **alyyy:** doing something

 **tentacle porn:** my god I’m dying

 **dj klaus:** in my defense 

 **dj klaus:** he’s so hot

 **the smartest one:** THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE

 **the smartest one:** DOING IT ON THE GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE

 **Luther Hargreeves:** You did it on the kitchen table?!

 **alyyy:** eewwwwwwwwww wtf

 **tentacle porn:** KLAUS NO 

 **tentacle porn:** THE TABLE????

 **tentacle porn:** WHERE WE EAT!!!!!!!!

 **knife wife:** wait hasnt everyone had sex on the table

 **alyyy:** what

 **Luther Hargreeves:** what

 **the smartest one:** what

 **dj klaus:** what

 **first chair:** I have

 **alyyy:** WHAT

 **first chair:** it was ONE TIME 

 **dj klaus:** get it

 **knife wife:** wait, so does klaus have a boyfriend now orrrr?

 **the smartest one:** well he definitely has a daddy if you know what I mean

 **Luther Hargreeves:** Yeah I’m throwing my phone in the toilet. 

 **tentacle porn:** what the FUCK what the FUCK a what the FUCK

 **dj klaus:** lol yeah I remember saying something along those lines

 **first chair:** well don’t act all surprised we all knew he was a bottom I mean come on

 **knife wife:** you are way too chill about this 

 **the smartest one:** anyways what’s hjs name 

 **dj klaus:** uh hell no

 **alyyy:** Why nooooot

 **tentacle porn:** we already know that you call him daddy so how bad can it get 

 **dj klaus:** if I tell yo then you’re all gonna track him down and like interrogate him or scare him or something 

 **knife wife:** tell us you pussy

 **first chair:** his name is Dave

 **dj klaus:** FUCK OFF


End file.
